Good morning everyone. The quadriannual Winter Olympics are well under way, and I for one have been watching far too much of them. I especially enjoy the biathlons, as I enjoy target shooting and detest skiing when it involves me. One can only marvel at the marksmanship of the athletes after they ski a couple of miles around a mountain (up and down hill) then stop and try to shoot 5 small targets at 100 yards (or so), all while breathing like a bellows and their hearts racing, then getting up and doing it again (and again and again sometimes). Good stuff.
Watching the other events, however, I couldn’t help but notice that there are long, boring intervals during the competitions (sometimes the entire competition) that could benefit from something being added. The obvious answer to that is: firearms and/or projectile devices ala the biathlon.
I put the question to the AT staff that aren’t in hiding (something to do with the mayor of Toronto as I understand it) and we worked up a few ideas, which are after the jump.
The first sport that came to mind was the ski jump. There a lot of competitors but very few really good jumpers, so in order make the event more sporting, why not have the jumpers shoot trap while in flight? You could even have single and double trap events, with each clay pigeon hit adding points to offset a lousy jump.
The luge/skeleton/bobsled events are also crying out for additional activity and a leveled playing field. After their sled is launched, the pilot and passengers are basically just sitting or lying there for the next 57 seconds or so when they could be adding to their point totals to offset their crummy driving. The supine luge pilots could shoot at ceiling targets, or if they use this style of shooting:
they could shoot at drop targets along the sides. The skeleton pilots would be limited to drop targets, but the bobsledders could have a variety of targets since they’ll have either 2 or 4 guns at hand on a run. Points are subtracted for shooting a team member.
Ice Dancing/Figure Skating
This one posed a problem. Everyone wants to shoot at the ice dancers, but we don’t want to injure them (badly) otherwise they won’t come back for the next Winter Olympics. So we decided that they should have to wear 3 small adhesive AirSoft targets each on their bodies, locations chosen by drawing lots out of a hat. Designated shooters (no, the entire audience can’t shoot) at random locations in the rink would use AirSoft rifles to plink the skaters. Points go to skaters with a low number of hits. Skaters hit too many times must compete in the 2-man luge event.
Skiers must try to strike the target flag on every gate on the course, using the pistol in one hand, or if they miss, the Kabar knife in the other. Points are added for each flag shot or stabbed. Points are subtracted if the skier wipes out and manages to shoot or stab him/herself.
Much like the Downhill/Super G, skiers will try to strike the flags on the gates with their weapons, with the addition of paint-filled landmines that explode when the skier goes off-course a certain distance, dousing the skier with paint but causing no (serious) injuries, except to their egos.
I like curling. I’m constantly amazed at how the players can slide a 3-stone stone some 50 (or so) feet down an ice sheet and place it just where they want it (usually). There are, however, long, dull periods where the teams play conkers instead of curling, i.e., one team places a stone and the other team knocks it out, then the first team knocks that stone out, and so on. Very boring when they do that shit. To liven things up a bit, instead of sweepers, let’s have designated shooters, two from each team, fire plastic slugs from 12 gauge shotguns at the stones to “steer” them between the red lines. Each shooter gets 2 shots per end, with penalties given for taking pot shots at the other team (poor form).
X Game Transplants
These are the snowboard/mogul/aerial events that are largely ignored by adults. Participants must wear 5 targets on their bodies, again chosen by drawing lots from a hat. Designated shooters would use paintball guns to shoot at the participants, with extra points awarded to the shooters for hitting their targets mid-air. Participants lose points for every hit, and if the shooters score exceeds the participants, the participant is banned from the Winter Olympics for life. I think that’s only fair.
That’s what we’ve come up with so far. What other additions or modifications can you lot come up with? We’d like to come up with something to submit to the IOC before the next Winter Olympics.