User Input

User Input: Good Lord, That’s Ugly…


A pickle for Xmas? Oh please…

Good morning everyone, it’s been a while.

This morning, as I was chipping the ice off of my legs (it’s been rather chilly here in the lower 48, hasn’t it? I’m sure that it’s another heinous Canadian plot), I got thinking about Xmas tree decorations. In my case, our tree is going undecorated this year, and not from any lack of Christmas spirit or other such nonsense. No, gods above, below, and out on both sides, no. My wife, you see, adores Christmas and has collected at least a sea container’s worth of ornaments and other seasonal decorations, and when she hits full stride the inside of the compound looks as if it’s been hit by a bomb made of chrome, glitter and coloured lights. It can be quite frightening to the uninitiated. But not this year.

This year we have two new young cats. It’s been a very long time since we had any young cats at the compound. Our previous kitties were 18 years old when they passed on earlier this year, and we had forgotten just how much of a handful a pair of young (Audrey is 10 months and Sydney is 22 months old) cats can be. Needless to say, we have cats everywhere, even though there are only two of them, and we especially have them in our tree. I took the precaution of lashing the tree to a bannister, and it’s a damned good thing that I did, otherwise I’d find it on the floor every morning. Hence, no decorations on the tree this year.

But that’s not the subject of this post. No, it’s about ugly Xmas ornaments, like that stupid pickle up top. My sister gave us one of those things many years ago, to my chagrin, and spouting off about some typically saccharine Xmas legend from Germany or some other Teutonic region. A pickle. What’s next, an Xmas turnip?

My wife goes to ornament exchanges with her co-workers every year to swap unwanted (?) Xmas tree bling with each other, and sometimes she hauls home some real stinkers, but nothing as ugly (to me) as that glass pickle.

So how about you lot? What’s the ugliest Xmas decoration that you possess and that your Better Half™ insists that you proudly display?

Photo credit: Wiki

  • My wife the florist has a seasonal business decorating high end homes. In case any potential clients are reading, I'll just say that all of her decorations are absolutely beautiful.

  • cruisintime

    My Better Half got all the Christmas decorations,and the house we kept them in,but am I bitter? Oh Hell No! Ho Ho Ho…..

  • skitter

    The last time I supervised the purchase of Christmas decorations, they were plaid.
    We also have a wind up toy parade in the house every year.
    What was the question?

    • The Professor

      Plaid? You, sir, are a monster.

      /as is the woman who gave my wife some home-made plaid ornaments a few years back.

  • hglaber

    I envision an entire white or silver tree decorated with nothing but red lights and pickles.

    • The Professor

      Unfortunately, so can I. Now I'm going to go beat my head on a doorframe until the vision goes away.

  • SSurfer321

    I too am a shameful proud owner of the Christmas Pickle.

    Our tree is up but not yet decorated. We too have a young (6 mo.) kitten in the house. She's already climbed the small Ash tree in the back yard (<10') and it's only a matter of time before she is comfortable around the X-mas tree enough to climb it.

    <img src=""&gt;

    • The Professor

      That cat is 6 months old? Good lord, she's going to be a monster when she grows up.

      • SSurfer321

        No, my wife is just that small 😉

        I guess she's a bit older. Assumed birth in May 2013. She weighs 5lbs. as of her last vet visit about a month ago.

        **EDIT** The cat, not the wife.

  • We used to attend a local weekly salvage auction. I believe that is where some of the worst offenders come from. Garish pink fuzzy things made of some sort of resin, to make some sort of evil/deformed looking elvish creature.

    Last year I only put up the top half of our artificial tree, and put that on top of the entertainment center. We had a 16 month old running around. This year, I just tried to put the more fragile ornaments up high on the tree (except for the really ugly ones).

    My wife hasn't put our her Christmas villages yet this year. Maybe I made one too many "village idiot" comments.

  • $kaycog

    Professor, be glad you only have one pickle ornament.

    Oh, yes………all my ornaments are lovely.

    <img src=""width="500"/&gt;

    • cruisintime

      Only You could have found this. I wish I could give you a dozen thumbs up.

    • The Professor

      I'm somewhat torn, between "GAAAHHH" and "ARRGGGHH".

      /at least the tree isn't white or silver with red lights….

    • Felis_Concolor

      "My god, it's full of dill!"

  • Slow_Joe_Crow

    Should I cite this as one of the reasons why it is better to be Jewish? Along with jelly doughnuts (traditional Chanukah food) are better than fruitcake.

    • The Professor

      I find that fruit cakes make a good heat sink when I'm welding. They're indestructible, albeit rather smelly.

      • jeepjeff

        There's at least one good fruitcake recipe out there: It's only good if you make it yourself though. You'll need to increase the whiskey if you have anyone helping you cook it.

  • cruisintime

    How many Polish Pickles does it take to decorate a Scotch Pine ?

  • Honey Bunny and I are celebrating many decades of blissful Atheism (with a slight Unitarian leaning, but how could you tell?), and a steadfast dedication to the Dual Income No Kids (DINK) lifestyle. Hence, no damn tree, no damn ornaments.

    We did get a tree one recent year when the man in the pub said he had an 'extra' Christmas tree on top of his car. When we told him where to deliver it he said, "Oh, down there where I pick up prostitutes?" We said, "Yeah, it's a left after Shirley."

  • This is an ornament my son made for me when he was three or so. I will cherish it always.

    <img src="; width="400">

  • highmileage_v1

    A clown. A creepy off red coloured raggedy Anne clown with what are supposed to be lines of stitching but instead look like sutures. It somehow was lost during the last move. Shudder, daughter of Chuckie anyone?

    • cruisintime

      Poltergeist Clowns anybody?

  • ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

    <img src=""&gt; Two years back my youngest son made this ornament for my wife. It's a snake. It's been prominently on the tree next to the Christmas tree and snowman my other two kids made from that same old bed sheet ever since.

  • BlackIce_GTS

    One year in (some number less than 5)th grade my class had a silly little xmas ornament project. Stick a pin through a red sequin, lengthwise through a mini marshmallow, and then into a foam ball. Repeat until the foam ball is covered.
    That wasn't a very good ornament to begin with, however the following year when it got pulled out of the box again it was the worst.
    Mini marshmallows don't age well.
    In general my childhood tree was a spectrum of kitsch.