User Input

User Input: Remedial Megalomania

The "Giant Effing Ship" technique of world domination.

The “Giant Effing Ship” technique of world domination.

I’ve been watching a ton of old Sci-Fi lately, and I can’t help but notice that it’s fairly common for some sort of alien force, or great otherworldly force, or mad genius, to try and take over the Earth and enslave the populace. The rationales tend to be different; sometimes they want a slave labour workforce; sometimes they simply want to be worshipped; sometimes they want the wealth of the world; and sometimes they want to grind us up because we taste delicious in their alien coffee.

Not sure I believe that one, I mean look at what we eat! We’d taste terrible.

Now, invariably, this plan is foiled by some sort of hero-figure who rises in opposition. Sometimes it’s an intrepid crew of colourfully-dressed space explorers. Sometimes a slightly mad man in a blue box. Sometimes a tall nerdy man who somehow knows that an advanced alien civilization somehow uses Windows 95 to run their starships. And sometimes a gruff, unconventional, slightly alcoholic police officer with a heart of gold and his reluctant sidekick.

Now, given the wide variety of opponents who have managed to foil plans to take over the world, clearly there is a flaw in all their plans. Other than the whole “trying to take over the world” thing, that is. But oh, it’s so hard to possibly see what it might be!

What is the correct way to take over the world?

  • CaptianNemo2001

    Economics, Propaganda and FREE allotments of Fertilizer to third world country's. And maybe slip some cash to a local warlord or two OR, if you have lots of time, you get them to kill each other off and then go in to "save" the locals.
    .

    • fodder650

      Have we been reading books about Iran Contra again?

      • CaptianNemo2001

        Just plotting and planning. In order to get somewhere firstist and fastest one either needs to be prepared all the time, plan ahead, or control the chess game four steps out. I choose the latter.

  • The Professor

    Take over the world? Hmmm, I've never really considered that. I mean, who in their right mind would want to be in charge of that mess?
    Now, destroying the world, I've got some experience there….

    • CaptianNemo2001

      I mean, who in their right mind would want to be in charge of that mess?
      ME

  • Deartháir

    A subliminal message in Angry Birds.

  • Wolfie

    [Political mumbo-jumbo, removed by Admin.]
    Oh wait,wrong forum.

    • Deartháir

      Very much the wrong forum. Don't do that again.

      • Wolfie

        It sounded like humor when written. Message clear.

        • Deartháir

          I got the humour, and I'm reasonably confident that most of our membership would be just fine. But inflammatory political posts like that are exactly the type that bring lurkers out of the woodwork, and we end up with a post with 75 comments of "Obama sucks" and "Bush is evil", or whatever. I'm less concerned with your comment than I am with it provoking a response we don't need.

          Even if that level of traffic would be nice! 😉

          We've dabbled a few times with testing the waters on allowing political discussion. While it went reasonably well, it was just a matter of time before the knuckle-draggers came shuffling in.

          On top of that, your comment precluded the possibility of any kind of response other than an argument. We're open to conversation, if everyone keeps it civil.

          • jeepjeff

            Even if that level of traffic would be nice!

            That reasoning is right there with: Got a case of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea; doesn't matter, had sex.

          • Deartháir

            Which is why I said, "that level of traffic", not "that traffic".

          • jeepjeff

            I know. I was agreeing with you in a contrarian manner. You came to the same conclusion for the same reason as I did. The joke timing just wouldn't have worked if I'd carefully nosed around the agree-with-you bit. 😉

          • Deartháir

            The second half of my comment didn't come through from email, apparently; I said, "God knows we don't want to give AtomicToasters a bad case of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. I mean, it's bad enough that it's nerdy, but that'll just chase ALL the women away!"

      • The Professor

        Yeah, we lean towards dozens of comments with awful puns and long off-topic diversions.

        • Well, yes, on a good day.

          • CaptianNemo2001

            Isn't this a good day???

  • mr. mzs zsm msz esq
    • BlackIce_GTS

      Are they all the same, are they all different? That one on the end is pink, not violet. Roy G. Bip? What does that mean? There's no lights reflected in the yellow one. The mouse holding the green balloon has it's stance mirrored. What does it mean? Aaaagh!

      • mr. mzs zsm msz esq

        "What does it mean?"

        • The Professor

          Bugger all, that's what.

          • mr. mzs zsm msz esq

            7 * 6

          • The Professor

            Yes, yes, the meaning of everything. Bugger all.

          • CaptianNemo2001

            I AGREE!

          • fodder650

            Seven times six is not the meaning of life. Sure 42 is the answer but the question is "What is nine times six". This was explained in the forward to Hitchhikers with the following

            "If everyone understood the answer to life, the universe, and everything. The world as we know it would cease to exist and something even stranger would form in its place. Some say this has already happened"
            See that's how 9×6=42.

          • mr. mzs zsm msz esq

            Fodder, you ARE the money man! I wanted people to actually get my joke, about the white mice being the way we saw the pan-dimensional beings and Earth being the computer 😉 But yeah, I should have been even more obtuse! I also forgot about that.

          • fodder650

            Mice? I'm not sure about these sixties sitcoms of which you speak.

            Oh and for the record I have named several alts in games Majikthise because I realize no one will say it out loud. If you want obscure he and Vroomfondel were the original beings on site at Deep Thoughts creation.

  • Number_Six

    1) Start broadcasting a mind-controlling tv show
    2) Strike critical infrastructure from space
    3) Land and enslave the populace by shoving implants into their skulls
    4) Create loads of barbaric rituals and drive around in terrifying giant tripods
    5) ???
    6) Write a bunch of sequels and a prequel

    <img src="http://quolegatis.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/white1.jpg&quot; height="500" />

    • BlackIce_GTS

      Those were pretty good, right? It's been a long time since I read them. I've been meaning to pick them up, because it somehow bothers me to not have access to everything I've read. Maybe they're best seen in the dappled sunlight of memory? I'm pretty sure I'd still think they were good…

      • Number_Six

        I first read them well over 25 years ago and had a second look a couple of years back. They're definitely written for teens, but literate teens, unlike some (*cough* Hunger Games *cough*). The tripods might not be super original but the rest of it was creative and gripping.

  • skitter

    Trade with everyone, stopping if and only if they attack you.

  • jeepjeff

    You joke about Aliens taking over the world on account of coffee, but you were beaten to it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ziltoid_the_Omniscie

    As far as the correct way to take over the world goes? Giant golden submarine and an army of Discordians.

  • BlackIce_GTS

    It's unnecessary to take over everything, just control the methods of control already in place. Besides, this is a foreign species to you (is it? Or are we talking about us taking over the world. Well, I guess that still applies for me), you won't know how to operate them.
    Governments are slow and stupid. Give large corporations a few marketable trinkets for their cooperation and tell them the kind of subservience you're looking for, they'll hop right to it.
    This story, and a lot of shooting and explosions, coming absolutely never in my new action epic All Guns Blazing.

  • First, you need 2 lab rats. Lets call one Pinky, the other, oh, I don't know… Brain.

    • Uh, they were mice. I looked forward to watching them after school every day as a youth…you know, after walking through the snow, uphill both ways, etc.

  • Look like this:

    <img src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7229/6906155432_fb3c066776.jpg&quot; width="500" height="333" alt="Looking for the Easter Bunny">

    I swear she is trying to take over the world.

    • Number_Six

      There goes all the good work you're doing for the breed. Bull terriers: lovely pets…until they've stolen your planet.

      • Ha! No, it's more of a, "Awww…look at the cute doggy! Oh, she's snuggling with me. So cute." Then one day you wake up and realize you're the pet and she's the boss.

    • Together we will defeat the squirrels.

    • The Professor

      Thumbs, watch out for the development of thumbs.

      • Touch screens reduce the need for thumbs.

      • True story: she loves to play this game where she tries to get my thumbs and I try to keep them away from her. She has thumb envy.

  • I would develop a wearable transmitter that would stimulate the human brain's "pleasure center" while deactivating people's orbitofrontal cortex (the "evaluate-and-assess" center). I'd give it just enough range that people became conditioned to feeling absolutely wonderful about having an alien present and didn't really care why. As Supreme Alien Overlord, I'd install a worldwide network of orbiting transmission satellites under my sole control, so I could personally hit any portion of the world with a purely mental opium/orgasm trigger whenever it suited my purposes.

  • OA5599

    1. Come up with a search engine that works really well. That will be the gateway.
    2. By invitation only (at first), offer free email. Roll it out to the entire planet.
    3. Sell advertising based on content.
    4. Create a huge collection of satellite images linked to data.
    5. Send a fleet of camera vehicles to take street-level photographs of every accessible road.
    6. Profit
    7. ???

    • CaptianNemo2001

      8. Develop yet more things for people to use and then find that they cant live without.

    • Deartháir

      1a. Lull populace into complacency with soothing catchphrase like, "Do No Evil".

    • CaptianNemo2001

      I want to see the "BUNGIE SOFTWARE PURCHASE AGREEMENT".

  • skitter
  • <img src="http://i.imgur.com/arvim.gif&quot; width="500">

    Like, duALL GLORY TO HYPNOTOAD.

  • Take over world, sure, but how to deal with pesky Moose and Squirrel?

    • CaptianNemo2001

      12 gauge Shotgun?

  • I have an idea for a right wing fantasy science fiction story. The aliens scout out our world by visiting the largest cities: New York, London, Tokyo, Paris, Sydney, Moscow, Mumbai, etc. This assumes the alien scouts are sort of like the ones in "V" and can look human. They see that most all of the weapons are in the hands of the military, police, and a small criminal element. When the aliens attack the military is quickly taken out by destroying their bases, the police are taken out by zeroing in on radio communications, the criminal element will be killed or bought off.

    But they make one huge mistake, they end up landing in places like Texas, Georgia, and maybe the mountains of Afghanistan. They are totally unprepared for a very well armed populace.

    Or if they are actually reptilian looking aliens they land in Louisiana and we find out they taste great in gumbo.

    But to answer the original question, I remember the guys in the Manhattan project were worried about the atmosphere catching fire. Wonder if that would still be possible, especially if you were only after the minerals.

    • CaptianNemo2001

      Step 1
      Spread fuel in a 14-16 to 1 ratio evenly all throughout the atmosphere up to ~10k feet.
      Step 2
      Then proceed to ignite.
      Step 3

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