Kosmos 954: Raining Nuclear Waste On Imperialist Scum

The imperial cowards of the west must be monitored, comrades! We will launch satellites that will use active radar to watch their ships and submarines as they try to subvert the people’s desires for their corrupt means! They will not be able to hide!

We will use a liquid sodium-potassium thermionic converter driven by a nuclear reactor with about 110 lbs, to use their capitalist pig units, of U-235. It is safe. We, the soviet worker, have made it. Comrade Brezhnev has said so himself.

And should something fail, as on Kosmos 954, nuclear waste will rain down on the west. Teaching them that they are not safe from the reach of Mother Russia! Sure, they will complain and we will sign a treaty that makes us responsible for damage from one of our satellites to assuage their concerns. We will even pay $3 million of the dirty Canadian dollars to hush them. Sheep. They are sheep!

Comrades! Now is our time. Now is the time of the new Soviet man. Now is the time when the Soviet Union and all her people will rise to the pinnacle of power. We will spread equality across the globe. And our satellites will rule the skies…except when they are falling from them.

[Ed. Thanks to reader zsm for the tip! If you come across any old relics of the Cold War that wound up taking out moose and missing Deartháir by miles (or kilometers) pass it on to us at tips at atomictoasters dot com.]

[Image © Natural Resources Canada and used under Fair Use]

  • The Professor

    It could have been worse. They could have used plutonium for a power supply.

    • highmileage_v1

      Wasn't there a US satellite that had an isotope power supply, that crashed on launch? They recovered the power supply and reused it?

      • The Professor

        I looked around the internet and I couldn't find anything like what you describe actually happening. It sounds like that might be an urban legend. The best listing that I found of nuclear fuel being lost on launches is here:
        Go down to the Safety section and they talk about accidents there.

        • highmileage_v1

          I think you are correct. This what I found regarding the fuel supply; it was found intact and contained after Nimbus B1 failed. They have a picture of the fuel supply container on the ocean floor. The fuel supply was reused on Nimbus III.

  • aastrovan

    Although I respect your intelligence,I reserve the right to ask that you decipher this post for those of us that are not rocket scientists.