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User Input: Don’t Deny It

Picard uses an Android smartphone. With unlimited Data.

There once was a man named McQueen,
Who drove faster than you’ve ever seen.
When no cops were in sight,
He’d go faster than light,
And blue-shift the red light to green.

Put Techie, Cardboard and myself into a room together, and the odds are good that at some point there will be some fantastically nerdy jokes thrown haphazardly about. Ironically, it’s not even that the three of us are particularly nerdy, believe it or not; it’s just that we actually have the kind of humour that finds that sort of thing funny.

What’s the nerdiest joke you’ve ever heard?

  • fodder650

    How many software people does it take to put in a lightbulb?
    None it's a hardware problem

    Sure I have heard of some truly nerdy jokes in my time but really that's about as simple and geeky as it gets

  • TechieInHell

    Do you remember those Tamagotchi keychain pets that used to be so popular? Apparently the reason they went away is because Microsoft sued them for patent infringement: the operating system that dies if you don't give it constant attention.

  • TechieInHell

    (From back in the 90's when Intel's first batch of Pentium CPU's were recalled due to a minor floating point unit problem:)

    Did you hear NASA calculated the value of Pi using the new Pentium processor?
    The answer was 3.

    • zaddikim

      2+2=5 (for extremely large values of 2)

  • A proton walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, "Hey, we don't allow neutrons in here!"
    "But I'm not a neutron!" he replies.
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes! I'm positive!"

    • An atom walks into a bar and goes up to the bar. The bartender says to the atom, "You look sad. What's up?" The atom replies, "Lost an electron." The bartender says, "Are you sure?" To which the atom says, "I'm Positive."

    • tonyola

      A neutrino walks into a bar.
      An attractive photon says "Hey, you're kinda cute. Pull up a seat and stay awhile."
      "Sorry, but I'm just passing through."

    • GlassOnion9

      Electrons have mass? I wasn't aware they were Catholic.

  • An oldie but goodie:

    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
    The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
    The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
    The man said, "Look I'm a engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

    • We loved that joke in college.

      • pj134

        Isn't it weird that when an engineer posted his "solution" to hooking up headphones without a wire adapter because "he didn't want to go to the store" and I jokingly said "Oh look, another engineer finding a needlessly complex 'solution' to a problem" all of the engineers got angry? I think I hit a soft spot.

  • tonyola

    There was a young lady from Bright
    Who travelled much faster than light.
    She set out one day
    In a relative way
    And came back on the previous night.

  • There are 10 kinds of people in this world:
    Those who know binary and those who don't.

    • FЯeeMan

      The only problem with that joke is telling it out loud.

    • B72

      I'm confused. In binary, 2 is represented as 01. So being in binary this says "there are 1 kind of people in this world".

      Perhaps the joke is on me.

      • johnnymac09

        Decimal Binary
        0 = 00
        1 = 01
        2 = 10
        3 = 11

        Each place holder has a value that doubles with each one. So, the first place holder is worth 1, the second is worth 2, the third is worth 4, the fourth is worth 8, so on and so forth. If there is a 1 in the place holder it is worth the value of it. Add all the values together and you get the decimal value.

        Now the test. What does 11010101 equal in decimal?

        • B72

          Dammit, you're right. I was approaching it from the left.Note to self:1 2 4 8 – forget that order and get it straight!8 4 2 1 – remember that order and counting's done!

    • pj134

      [youtube FdYKTek5N1Q youtube]

      Practical applications of binary: Confusing your fans by making them think you've hidden a message in your song.

  • mr. mzs zsm msz esq

    Opal lacks any cleavage, but is still quite the gem!

  • GlassOnion9

    Just found this one:

    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
    One of them approaches the bartender. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
    "A beer," the mathematician says.
    "And for you?" the bartender asks the next mathematician.
    "Half a beer."
    The bartender pauses, then moves on. "How about you?" he asks the third mathematician.
    "A quarter of a beer."
    The bartender stops. "You're all idiots," he says. Then he pours two beers and walks away.

  • The Professor

    The only one I can remember is the old saw, "How do you make a hormone?".

    • BlackIce_GTS

      Amino acids.
      No, wait…

      • The Professor

        Don't pay her.

  • Number_Six

    Your momma's so fat her belt size is 42 44 XXXL accretion disc.

    • pj134

      The 44 strike through didn't turn out as you'd hoped it would, did it?

      • Number_Six

        It's just a mess. I don't joke gud.

  • BlackIce_GTS

    This one. It's really long. NSFW in an abstract manner.

    • texlenin

      I couldn't get that to open. What's best to use?

      • BlackIce_GTS

        That's super hilarious, your computer doesn't know what to do with a .txt file? That's the most basic thing I can even think of. (Not your fault; I just want to give your machine a long, rambling, semi-nonsensical 'back in my day' speech)
        A Windows machine should have notepad and wordpad. I also have TextPad, which seems like it's more for coding. I'd be surprised if MSWord couldn't deal with it. IrfanView, which is a great image viewer can also open them.
        I'm using FireFox and if I just click open in new tab, it'll do that without trying to download it. If you just save the file and drag it into your browser it should open. Or go here and scroll down to "Impure Mathematics". If your browser can't open it, I'm dismayed at the state of young computers these days.

        I tried just copy-pasting it here, "comment too long'. Barf.

        • texlenin

          You'll please forgive my ignorance, kind sir. It kept
          asking me what character encoding to use, which
          I thought was kinda odd. It's never ascii'd for that
          before. Opening in another tab did work, however.
          But shouldn't he be a "Heaviside operator", not
          After all, he did Fourier transform her, but good,eh?
          Like to see that film clip, wink,wink, nudge, nudge.

  • A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are traveling together in car along a hilly road.
    As they begin their descent from a large hill, the brakes fail. After a heroic bit of driving they manage to come to a safe stop at the bottom of the hill and immediately start debating what might have gone wrong:
    – The mechanical engineer thinks the disks overheated and lost their grip.
    – The electrical engineer suspects something wrong with the ABS system.
    – The software engineer says: "Can we go back up the hill to see if we can duplicate the bug?"

    • B72

      I heard that the manager wanted to form a focus group to determine if others had encountered similar issues.

  • B72

    How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?

    Pull down their genes.

  • Einstein, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek.
    Einstein is counting.
    Pascal runs away and hides.
    Newton draws a square on the ground and just stands there.
    Once done counting Einstein turns around he immediately sees Newton and says: "Newton I found you!"
    Newton Replies: "No, you found Pascal: one Newton per square meter."

  • zaddikim

    If you prefer non sum qualis eram to cogito ergo sum, you are putting Horace before Decartes

    • TechieInHell

      I am, therefore I think.

      Isn't that putting the horse before Decartes?

      • zaddikim

        I'm Pink, therefore I'm Spam.


  • skitter

    Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, "Have the usual?"
    He replied, "I think not," and vanished.

    • Deartháir

      I laughed far harder at that one than I had any right to.

  • jesus_style

    The thing about UDP jokes is I don't care if you get them or not.

  • Mr_Biggles

    Two engineers are getting together for some…I don't know …geeky discussion I guess. One of them rides up on a swank new mountain bike. His friend compliments him on how cool it is and asks where he got it.

    He says: "It was the strangest thing. I was walking home the other day through the park and this gorgeous blond girls rides up to me, jumps off her bike and strips off all her clothes. Then she says "here I am! Take whatever you want!"."

    "Good thinking" his friend says, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you".

    • Another classic from my college days. Well done.

  • tonyola

    Two Belgians* on expedition had gotten hopelessly lost. After desperately studying the maps for a long time, one says "I figured it out! See that mountain way over there? We're on top if it!"

    * = any number of social/national/ethnic groups could be used here.