Startup: Health And Safety Alert

After years of controversy and debate, all of our fears over WiFi and other microwave based wireless services have been put to rest, and the threat of our brains being turned to chocolate pudding is over. Just ask the people of New Denver, British Columbia. They successfully protested attempts to install a cellular tower in their community until the corporate overlords finally  gave up and agreed that they were going to put in a tower anyway – but wouldn’t turn it up to super high crazy mode (the locals had that covered already).

But now we are faced with another source of threatening death rays, and many of us find them in our own homes. You may not even realize that your remote is also a source of deadly infrared radiation.

Yes, that’s right radiation. And to make matters worse, infrared is an even higher frequency than WiFi, and higher means more, and WiFi is bad, and so that makes it more bad. This is the same stuff that the NuWave oven uses, and that that thing is horrible (or at least the ads are). Also, most remotes generate this infrared radiation using something called a LED. LEDs are used as a source in many fibre optic applications, and everybody knows that fibre optics uses lasers, which burns your eyes.

Much research remains to be done before we can firmly announce our failure to come to any solid conclusions, but for now the evidence presented here is clear: remote controls can cook your brain and burn your eyes out. Join the movement and throw out all your remotes. Encourage your neighbours to save themselves from suffering, and get up off their asses and change the channel by hand.

  • P161911

    Reminds me of this:

    Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are:

    Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
    Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
    Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
    DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
    Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
    Contributes to soil erosion.
    Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
    Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
    Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
    Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
    Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
    Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
    Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.

    • tiberiusẅisë

      Hitler drank it like it was water!

    • And while we are avoiding Dihydrogen Monoxide…we need to pull together to end the suffrage of women!!! Think of the children, for God's sake!

    • pj134

      You forgot one…

      When consumed it has the potential to cause your cells to burst. It has been thought that Dihydrogen Monoxide Intoxication may have played a part in the death of a man well known for painting pictures of soup.

  • I don't care what it causes…I'm still not getting off my big fat butt to change the channel!

  • Even worse, everyday the entire planet is pummeled by dangerous x-rays, infrared and ultraviolet emissions. Thus far the scientific community has done little to address this imminent threat…

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    • The Professor

      Don't forget the gamma ray bursts. They're the best part.

    • highmileage_v1

      AAhhh! The light, the light! Thermonuclear radiation! Help Us!

    • I am a member of the scientific community. I moved to Seattle. Problem solved.

      • Alff

        Simply trading one problem for another. As you are no doubt aware, Seattle's atmosphere is rife with dangerously high levels of Dihydrogen Monoxide.

        • That's okay; the rain washes that stuff off everything. I just have to avoid swimming in areas fed by contaminated runoff, but for some reason it's too cold to swim around here anyway.

          • pj134

            It isn't rain, it is the Earth firing a volley of Dihydrogen Monoxide at you!

    • pj134

      I should have refreshed… dammit.

    • tiberiusẅisë

      "Thus far the scientific community has done little to address this imminent threat…"

      Thankfully, Algore invented the internet and I have been indoors ever since.

  • The Professor

    Hmph.It just figures that people would get all wobbly from their puny little IR remotes. Bah! Now my remote is somewhat different. I boosted the output so that I can mute the TV in any room in the compound, from anywhere in the compound, even the bathroom in the basement with the door closed. Plus, my remote has a focus adjustment that gives you a 1kw IR laser just like that. It's very handy, and saves you from having to hunt down a small laser when you need one. It's perfectly safe too, as long as no one is standing in front of me while I'm changing channels. Or I forget to defocus the laser and set the TV stand on fire again. But that rarely happens, and the convenience is worth it.

    • I used to work with a Nd:YAG laser that had a peak power of 800 kW in the infrared. Now, admittedly it only accomplished this via mode-locking and Q-switching, so each pulse lasted a mere 100 ps, but it's still the reason I switched from a wristwatch to a pocketwatch: Inadvertently sticking a reflective surface into its (invisible) beam path is bad.

      • The Professor

        That's why they make goggles, m'boy. 800kw is respectable, but 100ps makes it a flashbulb, although it could probably give you a boo-boo if you stood in the wrong place. The trick to lasers is the power supply. I'm playing with an offshoot of vanadium redox tech.

        • A single pulse would have been a boo-boo, but it kept spitting them out in rapid succession, you see. We all wore appropriately absorptive prescription glasses with side shields (we all had crappy eyesight and goggles tended to fog), but we also all had seen medical photos of retinas with uniform rows of pits where a pulse chain had swept across, which tended to make us respectful of it.

          • The Professor

            Ugh. Photos of that sort do tend to spoil one's enthusiasm, don't they? Well, respect for your tools and all that. Doesn't mean that you can't have fun.

  • PrawoJazdy

    Shit. My Logitech Revue has 2 IR BLASTERS!!!!!!!111

    I'm being blasted by IR waves all over the house now. If anyone needs me, I've moved to a cave where I will only have my cellphone, cigarettes and tanning bed.

  • pj134

    Even more dastardly is the radiation that we think is friendly. Every day we are pounded by innumerable wavelengths of the of greater power than any infrared known to man and slightly less powerful than the known evil ultraviolet. It pounds our retinas every waking moment and makes it difficult to see in the dark. We must destroy visible light! Break your light bulbs! Move into a solid steel cube! Let us nuke the sun with great prejudice!

  • The project I'm on includes a solar simulator. When we started commissioning the solar simulation system, we put signs on the doors to the tunnel informing everyone to stay out due to the UV and infrared radiation from the lamps (which, at 1200 W/m^2 can give you a good sun burn if you're not careful). This happened 2 weeks after Fukushima, so all the trades guys were freaking out when they saw the word radiation. We had to have a toolbox talk with everyone letting them know it's not the same thing.

  • Number_Six

    I'm confounded by the existence of two remotes: the in-car remote for the tacky-looking aftermarket head unit and the remote for the digital picture frame. Imagine piling all the dead ones into a landfill and then explaining to lemurs or aliens in the future what that massive heap of garbage was created for…

    • PowerTryp

      Well the remote for the in dash radio is for the people in the back seat, although I have no idea why you'd want to give them control. As for the one for the digital picture frame I've not no clue.

    • Deartháir

      I used the remote in the Corrado for those instances when my bank branch was hosting some outdoor event and nobody had a PA system to spare. I had an Aux-In jack, and just tapped a microphone in to it, and then used the remote to pause or re-start music from across the parking lot.

      • Number_Six

        Oh yeah, that happens to me all the time – damn my lack of remote!

        • Deartháir

          Which is pretty much exactly my point. It took that many variables before I was able to come up with a single goddamned use for my remote control. If that's the only use out there then I'm probably one of… what, four people in North America who will ever be able to come up with a use for it.

  • chrystlubitshi

    does adding an enclosed "turntable" help make these devices safer? I have read on the internet that that is why the modern microwave is safe, we all know that the even dispersion of this radiation makes things safer, but also tastier

    /you know i'm joking, right?