Startup

Startup: Analysts Discover Internet Out Of New Material For Over a Decade

During a fairly routine comparison analysis of how search engines index results, researchers at Wil Holkins Community College made a startling discovery. “We first suspected something was up with the data set when our hard drives were surprisingly brimming with free space.” says project lead, Phd student Fry Gibson. “It turns out that so much of the stuff on the Internet is just re-hashed versions of previous material that you can store an index of the whole thing on an iPod with room to spare for Angry Birds and the complete REO Speedwagon Anthology.”

According to the research group, most of the content on the Internet was in place by the end of 1999. Since that time, up to 99.6% of supposedly “new” information was actually lifted from other web sites. Gibson blames sites like Reddit and Atomic Toasters for contributing to the illusion of continuous content. “The blogging boom sort of took over for real creativity, and that craze lasted long enough that we just forgot what was there before. And it’s not just the written words, advances in digital video have made it possible for studios to contribute to the mass delusion. Would you believe that there are actually only a few dozen pornographic movies on the ‘net? It’s true! With no real plot to start with, computers are able to automagically re-arrange scene order and a few superficial details like skin and hair color and people believed they were seeing new scenes.”

When asked for comment, Google co-founder Larry Page remarked, “Wow, you guys are just figuring this out now? How the hell do you think we managed to deliver search results of a trillion pages in under a second? It doesn’t matter now, we have so many contracts in place for advertising revenue that we can hold out until computers are actually fast enough to index and parse a network as dense as we’ve been telling people it is. Hell, we make so much money we managed to pull off things like Google StreetView. That’s not computers and hard drives caching images, that’s actually real-time data being fed by a legion of unemployed undergrads on co-op and illegal foreign immigrants. We figured if they were just going to wander around all day with their noses buried in their camera-equipped smart phones they may as well be put to some use. Maybe I’ve said too much already.” He declined further questions and sped away in his custom Bugatti with endangered spotted-owl down interior that runs on burning hundred dollar bills.

Atomic Toasters Senior Managing Editor, Social Event Planner, and Cat Herder  – Deartháir – also weighed in with, “Well duh. Where do you think we get our pictures for our articles from? Magic pixies? Sweet effing lord, Techie, look at the one you used. You’re not even trying any more.”

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