Startup: Failed Explorations of Love

Either Venera-1, or its sister craft, Venera-1VA. Nobody seems sure which.

On May 19, 1961, the Soviet Union succeeded in sending Venera-1, an unmanned probe, on a relatively close pass of the planet Venus. Sort of. The probe succeeded in its mission, was able to fly within 100,000 kms of the planet and even enter a heliocentric orbit in relatively close proximity to Venus, and, it seems took valuable surveys of the planet, its composition and the conditions in space in the immediate proximity. It even managed to do this despite the failure of several systems related to its automated course-guidance mechanisms.

The reason it wasn’t a complete success — and is, instead, widely regarded as a failure — is that all the data it accumulated proved useless. For some reason, the probe lost its ability to broadcast its findings back to Earth, meaning that while Venera-1 appears to have completed its mission admirably, none of its data made it home.

Or so they say.

We know, of course, that the data was all received here on Earth, and the findings put to good use by the Illuminati who form the secret world government in the sub-levels of the Denver airport, and even now they are planning secret terraforming missions to turn Venus into a secret tropical paradise for the world’s wealthiest and most powerful. You’ll see. Just you wait.

  • tiberiusẅisë

    What about the first successful, if slightly unintentional, manned mission that landed on Venus?

    <img src="; width="300">

    Photo courtesy of

  • aastrovan

    They want you to think that those are Hemispherical Ion Traps,But we all know better.

  • skitter

    For anyone else who was curious, the heliocentric rather than venucentric (?) orbit made me wonder whether the differing masses of Venera and Venus would cause them to de-synchronize. I suspected not, since orbit is a question of constant acceleration (gravity), but on the other hand Newton's third law tells us that everything affects everything. The wiki equations were

    v=sqrt( (G*m_2^2) / ( (m_1+m_2)*r) )

    and, since the mass m_1 of both Venus and Venera is negligible compared to the mass m_2 of the Sun,


  • "Well, maybe I'll buy the planet Mars
    And build an amusement park up there
    Better than old Walt's place
    You'll have to be a millionaire to go
    We'll smoke cigars and lounge in lace
    And talk the talk of businessmen
    And bosses that we are…"

    Clearly, Stan Ridgway was trying to inform us of the Illuminati's plans.
    (I'm sure he had to change the planet name to keep from getting "neutralized.")

  • dmilligan

    Venera, shmenera! That's a picture of a gadget I made 70 years ago to locate parking spaces near the "Venus Grotto" restaurant during lunch hour traffic. The damned Russians were jealous that I always got the best seats and stole the thing, the bastards. So they ended up shooting it at Venus, eh? What a bunch of simple minded mooks.

  • Victor

    Tell us how you know of these alleged tunnels beneath the Denver Airport?